


Autumn

by SunGreen70



Category: Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Genre: M/M, Tearjerker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-02-22
Packaged: 2018-01-13 08:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1219513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunGreen70/pseuds/SunGreen70
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People die. Love doesn't. Originally posted to LiveJournal, October 2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Autumn

The morning air was chilly. Ryan could feel a draft from the window, right through the flannel shirt he’d picked up off the bedroom floor when he’d gotten up, a little while ago. It was October now, he realized. Or was it? Was it still September? Either way, it must be autumn. Ryan shrugged. What difference did it make? Whatever month it was, though, it was getting cold. This time last year they’d turned the heat on first thing in the morning. He could do that now, but getting up off the sofa required more energy than he was willing to expend. He wrapped his arms more tightly around his midsection and resumed doing nothing.

There was a knock at the back door. Ryan didn’t bother getting up to answer it. He knew it wouldn’t matter.

He was right. After one more knock came the sound of a key turning in the lock, and the door opening. “Ryan?” Greg’s voice held an anxious note. It still wasn’t enough to rouse Ryan into movement. A moment later, Greg was in the doorway, his relief at finding Ryan alive and presumably well apparent even as he scowled. “You could answer the door when I knock,” he grumped.

Ryan shrugged. “You have a key. And you’re obviously not shy about using it.”

Greg moved to the thermostat on the wall across from Ryan and turned the dial. The heat came on with a clattering sound in the walls as Greg moved over to the sofa and dropped down beside him. “You know I promised Colin I would come by every day.” He was watching Ryan’s face and saw the tears that sprung to his eyes at the mention of Colin’s name. Greg tried to put an arm around Ryan’s shoulders, but Ryan got up and moved away. He stood by the window and stared unseeingly out at the front yard.

“Ryan,” Greg sighed. “Help me out here. You won’t talk about it, and you won’t let us do anything for you. Colin wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

“What does it matter what Colin wouldn’t want? He’s dead!”

Greg fell silent for a moment. “You don’t have to tell me that,” he said finally. “Ryan… it’s not the same, but… I loved him too. We all did.”

Ryan snorted through his tears. “You’re right, it’s not the same. Not even close. None of you get it. You can’t.”

Greg stared at his hands, clenched in his lap. "Jeff still feels guilty, you know. When it looked like he was going to be able to be a bone marrow donor... and then the next round of tests showed he wasn't a close enough match... he was devastated by that, Ryan. Since Colin died, it's been even worse. He thinks it's his fault that he couldn't save him. It's tearing him apart."

“Jeff has no idea what it is to be torn apart,” Ryan shot back at Greg. “He still has you.”

“Ryan…” Greg rose to his feet, and started towards him. Ryan suddenly couldn’t bear the thought of Greg touching him. He didn’t want to be comforted, didn’t want to be told everything would be okay, because it wouldn’t - couldn’t possibly. He turned and fled, through the kitchen where he grabbed a set of car keys off the table, not noticing until he was out the back door that they were Greg’s. No matter. He didn’t slow down until he reached the dark green BMW at the end of the drive and clicked the button on the key remote to unlock the doors.

He heard Greg running after him and calling his name, but he didn’t pause for a second, sliding behind the wheel and starting the ignition in one swift motion. He had no destination in mind - he just had to get away. With a screech of rubber on asphalt, he peeled off down the street and headed towards the highway. If Colin were beside him, he would have commented on the beautiful day and the vibrant colors of the trees that flanked the roadside. Autumn was Colin’s favorite time of year, and the fact that he hadn’t lived long enough to see it one more time was another indignation amidst the unfairness of his death. Ryan gritted his teeth and increased his speed, as though he could run away from the pain churning his insides. And it did seem to help. As he continued to roar along the highway, he felt the knot in his chest loosening a little, and a small smile tugged at his lips.

Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of black and white up ahead - a police car, partly hidden by a bend in the road. A speed trap, just waiting for someone like Ryan to come along. Ryan quickly stepped on the brake, slowing down to a respectable 60 miles per hour as he approached the cop. He gave a quick glance in the rear view mirror as he passed. He could see the cop inside, head down as he appeared to be reading a newspaper, paying little attention to the traffic. Ryan grinned triumphantly as the police car vanished from view. Close one. Colin had always been on him about speeding, and the traffic violations he earned for it. “Are you proud of me, Col?” he said aloud.

The road narrowed as it began winding through the mountains, and there were fewer drivers around. There was also no shoulder up here where another cop could be lying in wait. Ryan rolled down the windows. The wind blew in, ruffling his hair and carrying the scent of burning leaves that seemed to be everywhere during the fall months. Colin loved that about the season too. Ryan took a deep breath, drawing it in. It filled him with adrenaline and he stepped on the gas again. The sudden increase in speed on the inclined road flung him back in the driver’s seat with a thud.

A laugh, the first he remembered laughing in months, welled up inside him and burst out of his mouth. It sounded strange to his ears, like it had gotten rusty from lack of use during those long dark days of Colin’s treatment, and his final weeks of hospice. The lonely hours of holding Colin’s hand while he slept for longer stretches of time, staring out the window as the sky went from light to dark to light again. Until the morning Colin didn’t wake up.

The memories hurt, and Ryan pushed down harder on the gas pedal to force them from his consciousness. The scenery began to blur, and Ryan felt lighter and freer with each passing mile. His laughter bubbled forth again, and he yanked the steering wheel from side to side to navigate curves, making his body jerk sharply in the seat. He laughed harder.

He saw it when he was still several hundred yards away - the gap in the guard rail that had been torn open by a recent rockslide. There were wooden sawhorses and police tape barricading it, to prevent cars from getting too close to the exposed cliff edge. Ryan’s eyes locked on it, fascinated, as he shifted gears and accelerated to compensate for the steeper terrain. The engine growled as the wheels spun harder, propelling him ever closer to the top. He jammed his foot down on the gas pedal, urging the car along and picking up even more speed.

Faster… faster… faster - then he was flying. Blue sky and clouds surrounded Ryan and his laughter grew louder as the car became airborne. It was the only sound he heard, his own hysterical laughter filling his ears and drowning out the noise of crashing metal against rock and bone against glass.

******

“Ryan? Ryan!” An exasperated sigh. “You always were a pain in the ass to wake up,” a familiar voice muttered. A hand shook his shoulder. “Come on, time to get up.”

Ryan’s eyes slid open slowly, squinting against the sun that hindered his view of the figure hovering over him. Then they widened in shock as recognition dawned.

“Ryan?” A smile lit up the face that looked back into his. “You awake?”

Ryan could only stare. The smile broadened until it turned into a laugh. “You’re actually speechless. I never thought I’d see the day.”Words came back to Ryan then - well, one word. The only word that had ever mattered. “ _C_ _olin!"_ He hurled himself at Colin, half expecting to fall right through him - proving that this was only a dream. But no - Colin caught him in arms as strong as Ryan remembered from the days before he’d gotten sick, and embraced him fiercely. He was as strong and solid and real as life. Ryan clutched at him, sobbing his name over and over, shaking as Colin held him close.

“It’s okay, Ryan,” Colin murmured, stroking his hair. “Everything’s going to be all right.” They were the same words Greg and his other friends had been repeating to him for weeks, like broken records. But when they came from Colin’s lips, Ryan believed them.

It was a long time before he could bring himself to loosen his grip enough that he could draw back to look into Colin’s face. The features that he’d known for so long they were more familiar to Ryan than his own. Still staring, he tried to speak.

 

 

“Why are you… how…” He couldn’t seem to string the right words together, but Colin understood. He gave Ryan a wry smile.

“Look behind you.” Ryan’s eyes followed Colin’s pointing finger, and he turned his head to peer over his shoulder. What he saw made him spin around and stare. The rocky, debris filled gully at the bottom of the cliffs. Greg’s car, upside down with all but one tire gone. The one that remained was still spinning uselessly, as though struggling to get free of the wreckage. The body of the car was crushed into the roof, obliterating the windows so Ryan couldn’t see inside. He didn’t think he’d want to. He shuddered. Colin rested a hand on his back as he took it all in, and he leaned gratefully against him.

“So I’m dead?” he asked, when he found his voice.

“No. But you’re close to it.” Colin shook his head, regarding the scene before them. “You didn’t do this on purpose, did you?” he asked suddenly, turning to look at Ryan.

Ryan shook his head slowly. “No. I mean… I don’t know what I was doing. I didn’t set out to do it, anyway. It just kind of happened.”

“Good. They don’t like it when you try to force your way in.”

“They?”

Colin gestured vaguely. “The ones in charge. They have different names to different people. Anyway, they’re kind of control freaks.”

Ryan laughed. He’d missed Colin’s warped sense of humor. Then a thought occurred to him. “But if I’m still alive, then why are you here? You‘re …” He trailed off.

“Yup, I’m dead. You can say it - no need to be politically correct.” Ryan laughed again, but he was still confused. Colin slipped an arm around his shoulders.

“Come on, let’s go somewhere nicer where we can talk.” They moved away from the accident scene and into the woods off the side of the road. Ryan glanced around as they walked. The colors really were amazing. He had never appreciated autumn as much as Colin had when he was alive, but now that he’d lost him - and had, somehow, gotten him back - he was seeing it through his eyes. He smiled as Colin led the way down a dirt path and breathed in the scent of apples and burning leaves that seemed to be in the air around them.

Colin paused at the end of the path and looked at Ryan with a smile. “Look at this.”

Ryan glanced over Colin’s shoulder and blinked in astonishment. Somehow, just a few hundred feet away from the highway, they had come upon what could have been a national park - if there were people around. The ground stretching before them for what looked like miles was covered with red, orange, and yellow leaves, though the tree branches were still heavy with them. In the distance, Ryan could see mountains that appeared to be the same brilliant colors from the trees that grew on them. The sun shone brightly, bringing just enough warmth to be comfortable without taking away the pleasant bite of the autumn air.

“What is this?” Ryan demanded, looking around. “This can‘t be L.A….”

Colin grinned. “It’s where I spend a lot of my time now. You know how I always liked taking walks in the autumn. Now I can do it all year round if I want to.”

“So it‘s… heaven?”

Shrugging, Colin said “Well, it’s like the ones in charge. Different people call this different things, too.”

Ryan stared at Colin, trying to take it all in. He couldn‘t make sense of it. “Is this a dream?” he asked suddenly. “Just some hallucination while I’m unconscious, and I’ll wake up and you’ll still be dead?”

“No, it’s not a dream,” Colin told him. “This is all real.” Ryan met Colin’s eyes. He saw the truth there, and he was comforted by it. Colin had been fine all along during their time apart. He was happy here. He had to be, in a place like this.

“Come on,” Colin said, taking Ryan’s hand. “Let me show you around.” They walked slowly down the cobbled walkways that led into different parts of the beautiful wooded areas. Deer and other animals occasionally crossed their path, and overhead birds sang. Once they came upon a waterfall that seemed to rise out of nowhere, and Ryan laughed. Colin couldn’t have ended up in a more perfect place. And neither could Ryan, since Colin was here with him.

They talked as they explored. Colin asked about their friends and what had happened since he’d died. Ryan filled him in, though there wasn’t much to say, seeing as he’d spent the majority of the time wrapped in a cocoon of misery. He was more interested in asking about this place, and the other places Colin had been. Colin answered all of his questions, but Ryan didn’t always understand the explanations. He supposed full understanding would come when he… made the final transition? Crossed to the other side? He looked at Colin curiously.

“You said I’m close to being dead. So I’m about to die? And - what, you’re here to bring me… to the other side? Like you’re the welcome wagon?” He smiled, but Colin didn’t react to his joke. Instead, he nodded to a pile of brightly colored leaves.

“Let’s sit.” They settled themselves, the leaves making a satisfying crackling sound. Ryan looked around appreciatively.

“This is nice,” he told Colin. “I never really understood why you were so into fall. But you were right. The colors are amazing. Maybe it’s just being here with you that makes me see it,” he added, smiling at Colin. “Or maybe I just had to be dead to appreciate it.” He laughed again, but Colin looked troubled. Ryan frowned. “What?”

Colin hesitated. “Ryan… you aren’t dead.”

“Well, yeah. You’ve been saying that.” He looked at Colin, puzzled. “But I will be soon. I couldn’t survive that.” He gestured in the direction of the car wreck.

“Well, you could,” Colin corrected. He paused, looking thoughtfully at Ryan. “The thing is,” he said eventually, “you have a choice.”

“What kind of choice?”

“Whether to stay here… or go back. To live or die.”

Ryan snorted. “You really think I’m gonna let you out of my sight again? I’m not going anywhere.” He took Colin’s hand, and at the familiar touch his eyes stung with sudden tears. “I’ve missed you so much, Col.”

Colin squeezed his hand. “I know, Ryan. I’ve missed you too. But there are other things to consider. Don’t make your decision based on just one thing.”

“Just one thing?” Ryan repeated incredulously. “Colin, you’re the only thing that matters.”

“Don’t say that,” Colin chided. “You have so much else, you know. Friends. Family. Your work. That’s all important too.”

Ryan shrugged. “Not as important as you. And I’ve already made my choice,” he said firmly.

“Well, you don’t have to decide now,” Colin said anyway. He dropped down on his back into the leaves, smiling up at Ryan. “I really have missed you,” he said softly. “It’s nice here, but it’s definitely been lacking.” He reached up and touched Ryan’s cheek. They held each other’s gaze for a long moment, drinking each other in. Colin moved his hand to the back of Ryan‘s head, tugging him down gently. “Come here,” he whispered.

Ryan covered Colin’s body with his own and brought his lips down on his. Colin lifted his hands and raked them through Ryan’s hair, pulling him in closer, and then slid them down his chest, undoing the buttons on Ryan’s shirt and pushing it off of his shoulders.

Ryan pressed against Colin, relishing the feel of the warm, muscular body he’d known so well before illness had changed it; made Colin smaller, fragile. The very last time they’d made love had been at Colin’s insistence, a few weeks before he died, and Ryan had barely touched him, terrified of hurting him. Colin had been too weak to do much more than hold Ryan close, and they ended up simply lying entwined, looking into one another’s eyes until Colin dropped off to sleep.

Now, Colin had his old strength back, and he moved Ryan at will, pulling his clothes out of the way between kisses and caresses. Ryan responded eagerly, fumbling at Colin’s shirt and pants as they rolled on the crackling bed of multicolored leaves.

Ryan had always thought that sex with Colin was amazing when they were both alive and healthy. Now that Colin was… a ghost? A soul? - he didn’t dwell on it too much - it was something else entirely. Otherworldly. The sensations of flesh against flesh awoke nerve endings he hadn’t known he had, to burn and crackle under his skin. The friction of their joined bodies heated Ryan’s blood, warming him from the inside. And when they exploded together with simultaneous groans of pleasure, Ryan reached levels of ecstasy he hadn’t known existed. He laughed joyfully as he began coming down from the high of orgasm into the soothing, familiar comfort of Colin’s embrace. His laughter subsided into quiet contentment as he clutched at Colin, laying his head against his chest.

Yes. This was all he had ever needed. And now, for whatever reason, he’d been made to see what it was like to lose it. The painful weeks without Colin he’d had to suffer before “the ones in charge” decided to give him back to him. Ryan didn’t know why they’d both had to endure it - maybe it was a test? To make them appreciate what they had? Ryan shook his head, too pleasantly exhausted to ponder it. They were back together now, and that was all that mattered. He sighed deeply, happily.

“So this is what heaven is like,” he managed to say, before his eyes drifted shut. In response, Colin kissed the top of his head, plucking a few stray leaves from Ryan’s hair. They lay snuggled together in the bright leaves, the sun warming their bare skin.

“Ryan?” Colin’s hand stroked through his hair. “Wake up, sleeping beauty.”

Ryan opened his eyes slowly. He glanced around at the nest of leaves that still cushioned them. The trees cast shadows on them now, telling him he’d been asleep in Colin’s arms for quite a while. He yawned and lifted his head. A smile lit his face as he met Colin’s gaze. “Hey,” he murmured.

Colin smiled back, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. Ryan studied him, puzzled. “What’s wrong?” He sat up, leaning back against the tree trunk.

“Nothing’s wrong, Ry,” Colin said, sitting up himself and brushing bits of leaves from his skin. He rose to his feet, avoiding Ryan’s gaze. “I need to show you something, though.” Before Ryan could reply, he was walking towards the path they’d come down from the highway. Ryan got to his feet and hurried after him.

“Where are we going?” But before Colin could answer, Ryan saw for himself. The wreckage of Greg’s car lay below them in the ditch, but now it was surrounded by an ambulance, a fire truck, and three police cars. Lights from the emergency vehicles flashed in different rhythms, sending dancing patterns of shadow and light across the scene. Several emergency workers moved frantically around the crushed car, prying the doors open with some kind of huge set of electric pliers and shouting unintelligibly to one another. Static from the police car radios underscored the cacophony of different sounds. Ryan stared.

“They’re just getting here now?” he said incredulously. “It’s been hours. A whole day, almost.”

“Not really,” Colin told him. “Time’s funny here. A day is nothing - not when we’re talking about eternity. It’s all relative.”

Ryan looked back at him, confused, but the wistful expression in Colin’s eyes stopped him from asking for further explanation. “Col?” he ventured instead. “Are they… going to rescue me? Save my life?”

Colin nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“I’m going to live?” Ryan stared at him. “But… I’m staying. I made my choice.” When Colin only looked at him sadly, understanding dawned. He glanced at the accident scene again, then back at Colin. “I don’t have a choice, do I?“ It was more a statement than a question. “I never did. I was always going to go back.”

Colin hesitated, then shook his head reluctantly. “No. It wasn’t your choice to make. It wasn’t mine either. But I hoped you’d see that this was what you needed to do. To go back and finish living your life. I thought it would be easier if it was your decision.”

“It wouldn’t have been,” Ryan said fiercely. “I never would have chosen this. I don’t want to go back, Colin. There’s nothing left for me without you.”

Colin took Ryan’s hand and squeezed it. “Of course there is. You have all of our friends, for one thing. Do you really want them to have to go through losing both of us? And you have your career. It’s time you got back to work. Remember how we talked about taking the show on tour with Greg? You can still do that.”

“But that was supposed to be you and me! Our big project.”

“Well, that can’t happen now,” Colin reminded him. “But maybe it’s not such a bad thing. Remember how we could never decide whether to bring on Chip or Jeff as the fourth person? Now they can both do it.” He smiled.

Ryan looked away. Away from Colin, and away from the rescue operation before them. He stared off in the distance at the radiant autumn colors of the mountains. Colin’s mountains. Colin’s autumn. Not his.

“Why are we here now?” he asked finally. “If I was never going to die, why did I get to come this far, and to be with you?”

“Special privilege.” Colin laughed softly. “Apparently I had a few favors due me from my time before. Who knew? Anyway, this was how I chose to call them in. To have just one more day to be with you. And for you to see that I’m really okay.” Taking Ryan’s hand, he added, “And that you will be too.”

“Not without you.”

“Yes, even without me,” Colin insisted. “It won’t be for long.”

Ryan snorted. “Only the rest of my whole damn life.”

“Ryan, the rest of your life isn’t a long time, in the grand scheme of things. There’s a quote that they use around here. ‘Imagine a mile high mountain made of granite, and once every ten thousand years a bird flew by and brushed it with a feather. By the time that mountain was worn away, a fraction of a second would have passed in the context of eternity’,” Colin recited. He smiled at Ryan. “It’s on motivational posters everywhere you look. It’s their version of the kitten in the tree that says ‘hang in there’. Anyway…when you look at it that way, a lifetime doesn’t seem so long, does it?”

Ryan was silent for a long moment, imagining it. “Then what’s the point?” he asked finally. “Why even bother putting us here to begin with, if it’s so… insignificant?”

Colin shrugged. “You got me.”

“You don’t know, either?” Ryan turned to look at him. “Don’t you get to understand everything now?”

“Of course not,” Colin said with a smile. “They can’t give away all the big secrets.” Ryan let out an exasperated breath. Colin shrugged again. “It’s just the way it is though.”

They fell silent, standing close enough for their bodies to touch as they gazed down at the accident scene. When the rescue workers started to lift a motionless form out of the crushed car, they both averted their gazes, and looked up into each other’s eyes.

“Will I see you again?” Ryan asked. “I mean, before…” he trailed off.

“Not like this,” Colin replied gently. “This was a one time deal. You won’t be able to see or hear me. But I’ll be watching you. And if I ever see you doing anything crazy, like risking your life driving over a hundred miles an hour on the side of a mountain, I’ll haunt your skinny ass. Are we clear on that?”

Ryan had to laugh, but his eyes were welling up, making Colin’s face blur before him. Colin reached up and brushed a stray tear from Ryan’s cheek. “Aside from that, I’ll still be with you, and I’ll be able to show you sometimes, in little ways. So watch for it.” He grasped Ryan’s face in his hands. He stared at him for a moment, memorizing him. “And I’ll always love you, Ryan. Death doesn’t change that. People die. Love doesn‘t.” He smiled a little. “Another poster. But it’s true.”

“It’s not enough,” Ryan whispered hoarsely. “I don’t want to go back, Col.” He stumbled forward, blinded by tears, and pulled Colin roughly into his arms. Colin gripped him just as tightly.

“I don’t want you to go either,” Colin said finally. “This sucks.” The words startled Ryan into raising his head and looking at him. Colin chuckled ruefully. “Yeah, I said it. What, you think I died and I turned into an angel?”

Ryan laughed, though his throat was still tight. “No, I never thought that would happen.”

Colin sighed. “Well, this certainly isn’t a perfect place. Not till you get here. But I’m okay. You’ve seen that. I’ll be fine. I gather I have some more work to do before we can be together again. And so do you.”

Colin held out his hands, and Ryan took them in his. For a long moment, they simply looked at each other. Ryan saw his own longing reflected in Colin’s eyes.

Much as they had during years of doing improv together, they acted simultaneously, moving into each other’s arms. Their kiss was gentle at first, then more urgent. It was a kiss unlike any they’d shared throughout their years of living. It was both more intense and more intimate. Ryan could swear he felt Colin flowing through his veins, leaving behind a part of himself for Ryan to take with him, to hold for however long “the ones in charge” determined would be the rest of his life. He closed his eyes to savor it more completely. Ryan would never be certain if this kiss was different because Colin did bring to it some unearthly magic, or if it was simply that they both knew this would be the kiss to last a lifetime.

“Time for you to go now,” Colin whispered into his ear.

“Already?” Ryan clutched at Colin, but he was moving away.

“I love you, Ryan. Always.”

“I love you too, Colin. Colin? Wait! Colin!”

“Easy, buddy. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Get a stretcher over here, now!”

“He’s coming around!”

 


End file.
